Ground Zero....The Divorce Process

I would love to be able to tell you that getting divorced will be a simple process, but this just isn’t true. Where you are standing now is ground zero of your divorce. That decision has been made and the only decisions that matter now revolve around when do you see your kids … who keeps the house … who pays for what….etc., etc., etc. Ground zero is also where there is the most chaos. What chaos you ask? Well it’s like this…. you’re still responsible for all the things you were as a wife and mother prior to the separation…you take the kids to school, pack lunches, do laundry, fix dinner, clean bathrooms……the list of responsibilities are endless. But now in addition to having to perform many of these everyday jobs, you may have to secure another place to live and/or full-time employment. In a nutshell, you must now fulfill both roles of the caretaker AND the provider.

Found another place to stay for a bit…….but it is hard….he will not help me financially at all! He is so angry ….only threatens to take my son when I ask for help…... Is he going to be able to take away my son…just because he makes more money than me? We have been sleeping on the floor at my friend’s house. My friends were kind enough to let us stay when they didn’t have the room….but it’s cold… we need a room with a bed…he won’t let me have any furniture I can only take what I “brought”….But it’s so expensive…I can’t afford my own apartment…my credit is bad…I haven’t had job long enough to qualify for anything without a co-signer….what do I do? I found a way to make some extra cash….but that means leaving my son with a sitter at night, which costs money too….. …I can’t win….what do I do? I don’t want to go back…and I will not give up my son!! I can’t think straight anymore…If I could just catch a break…..

PREPARE TO BE TESTED..…..

The legal process for divorce can be unpredictable in the length of time it takes to complete. It seems like things are constantly being postponed. You will need to become an expert in patience and become skilled in separating your emotions from fact. In my experience, the more focused you stay on your goals and the less you focus on your predicament…the easier it will be to get through this initial period – and we must ALL get through it. Emotions have no place in court, so a safe haven and a strong support system will become crucial when having to endure the intense emotions guaranteed to come your way during your divorce.

March 1998….I finally called my Mom and told her of my situation….it is good to be home. I feel safe here. My son is happier and he doesn’t cry at night anymore…I don’t have to pay rent or worry about the cost of food right now. That helps and I have been able to stop dancing at night. Mom has been able to locate an attorney to help me. But wow….$2500 retainer! Mom said I could pay her back…..I am thankful she is able to help, but so ashamed. I am blessed that I have secretarial skills…something my mom had always “insisted” on...I am getting some decent temp jobs and I am hoping that one will turn out to be permanent. We have been in and out of court several times now…why does this take so long??…...I should start to see some support soon…then I can start paying my Mom back….

PREPARING FOR COURT……

In family law the court will address issues such as property division, alimony, child support and the custody/visitation of children. In other words, they will answer all those questions swirling around in your head about who is responsible for what now that your homes are divided. This process will begin when one of you files for divorce and serves the other party with a date to appear in court. Depending on the court calendar, this date may take place immediately or maybe not for a few months. Regardless, now is the time to decide on how to proceed legally.

In my experience, if you have property to divide and children from your marriage, you will be better off with an attorney. There are many forms to complete and legal procedures to follow throughout this process. A good Family Law attorney who is knowledgeable in this area, will be a great asset. However whether or not you decide to obtain an attorney, I strongly advise that you familiarize yourself with the family law in your state. Attorneys and the courts will use several terms that can be confusing and sometimes intimidating. Do not be afraid to ask your attorney questions. You and your attorney are a team. From my experience, familiarity of this process will benefit you and leads to peace of mind later on. There are numerous websites out there that have plenty of information that can be helpful to you. I’ll do my best to provide links to those that I feel are the most helpful.

PROPERTY DIVISION….BE PREPARED

….met with the attorney AGAIN…every time we have to go back to court or file another paper, it costs more money and time….the car and house were in his name only, ….lucky for me California law says that its community property anyway…..but there is no equity in the house…..what now? What about the bills? I can’t afford this car on my own…. …what does this mean? Do I have to buy all new furniture…When I move out of Mom’s…..I will need a fridge…a bed…..what about my son’s bed… Uggggh….!!!

In order to divide marital property, the court is going to require a great deal of information from you. So in my experience, the best thing to do at this time is to make a list of all the assets and/or debts you had both prior to and during your marriage. It should also include their values, even if it’s only sentimental. Assets are things such as bank accounts, investment accounts, property, furniture, vehicles, pictures, decorations, etc. Debts should include such things as car loans, mortgages, credit cards, student loans and so on.

Another great tip is to categorize your list and establish exactly what you’re willing to part with and exactly what you desire to keep…also what debts you can or cannot afford. Countless couples end up fighting over who gets the last word rather than the actual value of the object in question, so this will be helpful to you (and your attorney if you have one) as you start to determine how you to proceed in property division negotiations. It will also save you valuable court and/or mediation time later on……which can be time consuming and expensive. I don’t know about you, but I certainly didn’t like having to take time off work (without pay) to go to court over every little thing that we couldn’t agree on. I most certainly had better ways I wanted to spend my time away from the office….not to mention the fact that my boss wasn’t too enthusiastic about it. Coming to court prepared is the best way to resolve things quickly and least expensively.

ALIMONY & CHILD SUPPORT…DEFINED

Money…..now this is where it’s going to get interesting. We all know that money is the number one thing that couples fight over …and trust me…..during divorce it is no different. Why should I give her money? I am not married to her anymore. She has a job or should get one. I don’t need to pay her for the kids…I can provide what they need…. all she needs to do is ask for it. It’s not fair that I have to pay this much….I will take the kids then…blah blah blah. These are arguments we commonly hear from friends who are divorced and my situation was (and still is 13 years later) no different.

In Family Law you usually find two types of monetary support: Alimony and Child Support. Both types of support have formulas that the court uses to determine the amount awarded. As with the property division I mentioned above, this is probably a good time to make list of your current expenses now that you are separated (rent, daycare, clothes, food, education, medical expenses, utilities, sports, etc) and your earnings or earning potential. Since the laws that govern this support vary from state to state, for more specific answers to your questions about alimony and/or child support, you should contact an attorney in your area .

Alimony is court ordered support paid to the other spouse after divorce. It is similar to child support, but has different tax provisions and is usually paid for a shorter period of time than child support. Many states will pay half of the time you were married. However, this is all determined by the court. A number of things are taken into accountability when determining the amount and/or length of time for an alimony award: how long you were married, the previous and current earnings of each spouse and the current expenses of each spouse. Sometimes the courts even take into consideration the education level of each spouse and the ability to obtain work based on this or prior work experience.

Child support is exactly what it says it is; the monetary award given by the court for the care or support of the minor children. Again, many things are taken into consideration when determining the amount awarded for child support. As with the alimony, the salary of each spouse is explored, as well as the ages of the children, the amount of time the children spends in each home, daycare expenses and any other miscellaneous expenses that may deemed necessary for the care of the minor children. The time period for this support is usually longer and will run until the minor children are of legal age (18). But as I stated before, this will vary from state to state, so if you have specific questions on child support, you should contact an attorney in your area.

As I stated in my previous post...this is the time to formulate a new financial plan, independent of your former spouse. Whether or not your ready to accept it...soon your former spouse will no longer be responsible for helping your financially.

1998……. California law states that I am permitted to receive alimony for two years or half the time I was married. I will also get child support until my son is 18. This is good news….and the alimony will be in addition to the child support….now I can start paying back my mom…..But I need to see….to move out on my own will bring more expenses….there will be rent, groceries, utilities, a car payment, insurance…..wow...still need to find a way to make more money ….Guess I will look into going back to school….that will take longer than two years…but it’s a start...

CUSTODY AND VISITATION…..

Custody Broken Down...

In family law, there are two kinds of custody: legal and physical. Legal custody awards the parents the right to make decisions on things such as where the children go to school, which church the children attend and which doctors they see. Physical custody is the right to determine day to day care and responsibilities such as what they eat, when they go to bed, what they watch on TV etc. In most cases, joint legal and physical custody is awarded and the parents are encouraged to “co-parent” their children. In other words - work together on these decisions with the interest of the children being first and foremost.

The court also determines a custodial (day to day care) parent and a non-custodial parent (visitation) based on the percentages of custody awarded. In most cases, the non-custodial parent is the one paying the child support.

What Does This Mean.....

In my experience, custody of the minor children one of the most contested parts of any divorce. Let’s face it….when you were married everyone was together on the holidays and summers were spent vacationing together. But, all this is about to change. Now, the court will determine when and with whom your children spend their holidays, birthdays, summers etc. The court will also determine the percentage of time the children will spend in each household, based on the legal and physical custody I mentioned above.

Another component added to this, is the fact that amount of child support awarded is often times directly related to the amount of time a child spends in each household. Because of this you may find that your ex is suddenly demanding to spend more time with the kids. Why you ask? Well it usually happens right after he has retained his attorney and is advised about establishing a standard amount of time that he spends with them. It is here that he may (or may not…if your lucky) realize time can equal money. But try to remember that he is the other parent and ought to have the opportunity to continue his relationship with his kids. Try not to get into a battle over it and remember the kids love you both equally. Earlier I talked about emotion having no place in court. I said this, for this reason. So many times, children are caught in the middle of a custody battle that really has nothing to do with the children's best interest. It is simply another squabble between the parents, which the children ultimately pay for. The court will do its best to set guidelines and orders for your divided family, but both of you still have to parent them together, whether or not you are.

…custody and visitation are set. We will have joint legal and physical custody. My son will see his dad three days during the week (since he works weekends), but be with me primarily. This will cause my son to miss some school, but this is what was ordered by the court…..and I think it is important that he still spend quality time with his dad….no matter how mean he was, it is his DAD. He is only in kindergarten and for now, it is not hurting him to be out of school three days a week. This will be an adjustment…It’s going to be really quiet during the week …..But soon we will be out of my mom’s and in our own place….things will quiet down and we will settle into a routine….

YOUR DIVORCE IS “FINAL”…..BUT IS IT REALLY OVER?

So you made it through ground zero in your divorce. You’ve been to court, sorted out your possessions and debts, agreed on custody and visitation and have even been awarded some support. Your divorce is final, but is it over? Regrettably, the answer is no. It will now become a way of life and you will need to adjust to it. You may not always be married but you will ALWAYS be divorced. I could say that divorce is not “drama”. But we all know better. Soon you will realize...just how much is involved in being divorced. Try not to let this overwhelm you. Divorce does NOT need to define you.

Unfortunately for me, I was absolutely unprepared for being divorced and the journey I was about to embark on. But you can be prepared. Remember to familiarize yourself with family law and the terms used throughout the family court system. At ground zero, make lists of all your assets, personal possessions, debts and items that have sentimental value. You will now share the holidays, summer vacations, birthdays, etc. And….this is where the games begin. Who’s picking up the kids from practice this week?….who will take them to doctor…they have a game on the visitation weekend…etc., etc., etc. But remember you can only manage your household. When it comes to your children, try not to let emotions overcome and rule you, or suck you into useless battles with your ex. Fight the fights that need to be fought. Focus on the time you spend with your children and make the most of it. Focus on rebuilding your life instead of worrying about how your ex is living his. As I look back now, I realize that having this information in the beginning would have been very helpful and saved me thousands of dollars and hours of precious time.

Fall 1999….Things having been going well since the divorce…as well as can be expected anyway….But now I have another problem….my son is going to start 1st grade. The teacher indicated that he will have trouble scholastically if we continue to pull him out of school in the middle of the week….I will have to talk to my ex-husband about rescheduling the visitation. I am sure he will understand, he is our son after all….and it will be what’s best for him. Maybe we won’t have to go back to court for this….that gets so expensive.....

I can’t believe it! Not only did my ex-husband not agree to be flexible with visitation, he threatened to take my son away again! Something about the fact that he is the primary care giver.....what!??? Oh no...Here we go….back to court again…..