For some women the first reaction to D day is to seek legal counsel immediately. Now, I am not saying that this shouldn't be done; however, any rebuilding process requires a solid foundation and the first thing to do is to take inventory of what you have. Do you have a reliable place to live, a means by which to support yourself and your children, and any family members or friends to lean on at this time? From my experience these three things will be key in securing your foundation and moving forward in the divorce process.
OCTOBER 1997......
wow....literally thrown out of my house with a 3 year old child. Now what was I gonna do? Well first thing was first....I had to pick myself up and call someone.... I was going to need some help. Lucky for me, I had a neighbor who was willing come get me. After a couple of phones calls (and a trip to the doctor to tape my ribs) I was able to find a place for my son and I to stay for a bit. However, this definitely was not a permanent solution.....
In many cases, it is the man who walks out leaving the devastation behind him and for the moment, the woman feels secure because she has the house. However, if she can not afford to make the house payments, that security will be short-lived. Even if you have an attorney on speed dial, it can easily take six months before you see the inside of a court room and secure any form of financial support. This is the time to formulate a new financial plan, independent of your former spouse. I say this, because even though you may end up with spousal (which is temporary) and/or child support...this should not be the only income that you have. Whether or not you are ready to accept it....your former spouse (in time) will no longer be responsible for you financially.
In my situation...I did not stay in the house and as I mentioned in my previous post..... I was an uneducated woman with a very limited skill set. The most I could earn at the time was $10.00 an hour and that was not going provide me the means to support myself and a three year old child. So, I bounced around from friends house to friends house while trying to save enough money to afford a place of my own. It also required me to do things that to this day that I am still not proud of. Eventually, the whole thing became overwhelming....not to mention I was quickly wearing out my welcome. So feeling defeated and ashamed, I picked up the phone and called my Mom......
I know that many women may have given up their education and/or careers to focus on family. Because of this, you may be in a position where you will need some help at the beginning. As I mentioned before, it could take several months before you see any form of financial support from former spouse.... if you ever do. This is where family and/or friends can provide a great support system. But beware: this is also where the emotions of shame and defeat can control you if you let it. Do not be afraid or ashamed to ask for help and do not get discouraged. This process takes time.
It was almost six months to the day that I had been thrown out, before I had the courage to call my Mom for help. Once I called her, she immediately and without question, made room for my son and I. In fact, she was upset with me because I didn't call her the second it happened. She helped me find work, cared for my son after school when I was working, and when I was ready she helped me search for a new place to call home..... However, this did not happen overnight. It took another 6 to 8 months for me to accomplish this....and I know now that this process might not of been so difficult if I had asked for help in the first place..or knew to ask....
REACH OUT......YOU ARE NOT ALONE
As I said before, I was lucky. I had friends and family willing to help me when I needed it most. The biggest obstacle for me at that stage of the rebuilding process, was battling the many emotions that were hindering my ability to build a firm foundation. Emotions like shame, defeat and fear. They seemed to get in my way constantly. No one in my family had been through divorce......no one could help me understand what I was feeling and no one was able to tell me where to seek help. As I write about my experiences now, I am hoping that my message reaches you. That regardless of your situation....regardless of what you are feeling....that you reach out....reach out to people that can help you. Even if you don't have family (or friends you trust) in your area, there are organizations designed to help you and I have listed a few of them on this blog.
As you walk through the ash and begin picking up the pieces of what was once your life, you may look behind you and see only a single set of footprints....but just as you will not be the last...know that you are not the first. Many have come before you.... and with some conviction on your part combined with their experiences (and hopefully mine) you will find the help you need during this process. No matter how closed off you may feel from your former life, even the caterpillar one day breaks free of its cocoon to become the butterfly.
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