Though I Walk Through the Valley of the Shadow of Death....

October 22, 2007..... live version of House I never want to experience again.  I can still see her...lying there....squeezin my hand one last time....hear her last dying breath..the nurse checking for any signs of life....time stood still....people comin and goin.......my brother's angry look....my dad's disbelief.....

 

My mom was my best friend...she was my everything. ..I miss her so very very much.  The outside shows a strong woman...but inside...inside she is broken.  A little girl lost.  Her entire world changed in a second...and there was absolutely nothing she could do.  A family torn apart by death....the glue that held us together....gone. 

 

Life goes on... been three years....everyone is movin on....Dad is remarrying...but wait...wait for me....I am still here, lost.....life will never be the same....but I don't like change.... I wasn't done....I have so many more things I need to talk to her about..... I am scared....I am alone....I swear the trees whispered...."shhhhh you're ok...you can do this..."  Not trees...a swarm of butterflies....in the winter?  I am not alone....she is here among the butterflies....I guess its time...time for me to get up and move forward with the rest....

I Did Not Escape Undamaged - My Road to Recovery

I originally started this blog as a way to reach out to women experiencing divorce and/or custody battles with their exes. So many times, I was asked..how did you do it? How come you seem so together? Does it get easier? Will I ever feel better?... and so on and so on....I see my friends in tears over their children, in tears because of loneliness and despair...desperately holding on to the past because they are afraid of their future. So I thought... I will share my story...share my life and let them know what I went through.. attempt to give them hope. But now I know....I want to save them... .because I need to save myself. I did not escape this unharmed. I am not as together as they think. I am codependent. But there is hope and recovery. The future blogs will be about my current life as I move forward out of the grip of my past...and into my life.

 God, grant me the Serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
Courage to change the things I can;
and Wisdom to know the difference

Greaaaaaaaaat....so I am codependent.  Codependency is the inability to care for yourself.   A codependent is a person who is unfulfilled.....constantly in relationships, is indirect at times, unassertive when they need to be... a codependent can exhibit  controlling behavior, distrust, perfectionism, intimacy issues and is a caretaker of others.... putting all others needs ahead of their own, regardless of the destruction it may cause.  Being codependent has lead me to make many many bad decisions throughout my lifetime. And I have decided.....  I QUIT.  Codependency that is.

Often when someone is recovering from an illness or an addiction, they look to their childhood (or the therapist does) to see where or when the damage to themselves began..  I am not really sure how I became codependent.  I thought I grew up in a normal run-of-the-mill, middle income household.  We weren't rich...but we always had clothes  food and money for sports, etc.  Mom worked part-time and was home with us the rest of the time. Neither of my parents drank and I wasn't abused.  I had a GREAT childhood and have tons of terrific memories of my family.  Even my high school years were great.  I had lots of friends, was involved in a lot of activities...including cheerleading and dance....and I even graduated in the top of the class.  You could say that I had the Cinderella childhood.... So I looked to what happened after childhood., when I became responsible for my own life...is that when I became unable to care for myself...or did it really happen in spite of such a great upbringing?  If it did...can I keep this from happening to MY child?  

I am relentlessly telling my 16 year old to make the "right" choices.  That life is about choices and consequences.  I tell him.....if you choose not to do your homework....the consequence will be a lower grade......I tell him that sometimes..the consequences will have a domino effect....low grades can keep you from getting accepted to a college that you want to go to.    And I tell him...sometimes...you make a choice that you can't go back and change...like the wrong marriage or career...  You will have to continue forth on that path you have paved until you see another way.   So I asked myself....if I can tell him this.....why can I not do this for myself?   The answer (said the therapist) because I am codependent...

The feeling that a codependent gets from "helping" others or from "approval" of others is euphoric.  Codependency is its own drug and the withdrawal from this drug is having to live in constant fear. Fear of change, fear of failure, fear of abandonment. and too many insecurities to list    As a codependent, I am constantly trying to "control" my atmosphere...very rarely "letting go" without knowing the outcome....this is no good   So now...now I am on a journey to "let go" to let "what will be will be".....to LIVE my life and care for myself, as I have been unable to do in the past.  Buckle up!

CoParenting with a Toxic Ex

The other day, I was playing around on Facebook and came across a status that read…”Be careful who you have children with….” After I stopped laughing hysterically…it made me think about the absolute truth in that statement. Once you have children with someone, you are forever linked, divorced or not. So, as I sit here reading yet another venomous email from my ex regarding the “unfairness” of his child support…..it has become quite clear to me that divorce had not changed my ex’s behavior, I am just not married to him anymore. He is still the same person and he behaves in exactly the same toxic manner. It was also quite clear that I did not escape all the parenting issues we had when we were married.  In fact, being divorced has just made these issues worse. Recently so many of my friends have been back in court over matters regarding their children, that it prompted this post….how do you successfully live your own life and raise children with an ex who is extremely toxic? Is this even possible?  Does it ever end?

First Signs of Toxicity Appeared Early On…I Was Just Oblivious

Fall 1999….Things having been going well..…as well as can be expected anyway…..my son is graduating kindergarten and will start 1st grade in the fall. But…the teacher indicated that he will have trouble scholastically if we continue to pull him out of school in the middle of the week, so some changes need to be made to his schedule….I will have to talk to my ex about rearranging the visitation. We can figure something out so that he can still see him and he won’t have to be pulled out of school. I am sure he will understand…. it will be what’s best for our son.


I can’t believe it! Not only did my ex not agree to be flexible with visitation, he threatened to take my son away again! Apparently when the original paperwork was drafted and filed, it was incorrect… something about the fact that he is the primary care giver.....what!??? My son has lived with me this whole time, he goes to school here, has friends here….. I wish I knew what they were talking about….. Why would he do this? Really…? We need to argue about this? …. All we need to do is to agree on changing days….why is court necessary? Ugh! Oh no...Here we go….back to court again…..ridiculous!

BEWARE....TOXIC CHARACTERISTICS

Uses the Court System to Stay Engaged......

  

I am sure there are several of you very familiar with this toxic behavior and I am willing to bet it is the most common one among our ex’s. He defies court orders such as child support payments, visitation arrangements and schedules - forcing you back to court. He refuses to agree to anything and uses the “threat” of court constantly when he is not able to get his way. He attempts to manipulate and instill fear in you by saying “well, if not….we can just go back to court………” I get  emails like this at least every couple of months and we have been legally divorced for 11 years! In my experience, this is a person that doesn’t want a resolution. This person just wants to argue.

Places Blame on You....

This is a bizarre behavior and goes hand in hand with using the court system. They never accept responsibility for their own actions. It doesn’t matter what happens, you will be to blame. According to him, if his child support check bounces….this is your fault…because after all…you are the one making him pay child support right???…..it’s also your fault that he doesn’t make enough money to pay both child support AND his bills. He also reminds you that if he can’t take the children to their sports activities on visitation weekends, this is your fault too. Again placing blame on you…. saying you shouldn’t have signed them up for sports on his time! Oh…and let’s not forget…”If you don’t like it….we can just go back to court”!

Bad Mouthing – Hurting Their Children

“Your mom cheated on me.” “If you want to know why, ask your mom.” “Your mom signed you up for that…this is my weekend”….I have “plans” and can’t take you”. This is an atrocious, manipulating behavior that can be very damaging to your children. In fact, so much so that most courts have a clause in the paperwork that specifically orders the parents not to bad mouth each other in front of the minor children. But again, if you are dealing with a toxic ex…this is probably just another one of those defied orders.

My Tips for Co-Parenting with a Toxic Ex

I know…. I know…it is maddening dealing with a toxic ex! But you must realize…they will never change. Toxic people don’t play fair. They view others and the world as if they are owed something and feel entitled to things they don’t usually deserve. They bully and manipulate their victims until they trigger powerful emotional reactions, which interfere with clear thinking. As I said in my last post, so many times, children are caught in the middle of a custody battle that really has nothing to do with their best interest… and for a number of us, it doesn’t end when the divorce is final. In my experience, if you are co-parenting with an ex who is toxic, you will have your work cut out for you. But don’t fret….there are ways to neutralize this toxin and I have listed some tips that work for me. Remember…toxic people will NOT act reasonably…so get ready to adjust your expectations.

Be the Bigger Parent: Being the “bigger” parent and not engaging in mental and emotional warfare with your ex takes a lot out of you. Nothing is ever simple with them. I know from my experiences, that even simple things like holidays, birthday celebrations or school sports come with feelings of anxiety. With my ex, I am always waiting for the other shoe to drop. What email about child support will I get today? What kind of cruel thing will he say to our son today? What did we not do right today?

Since it takes two to fight..... just take one out of the equation. You can only control you….so control you.  If he is true to his toxic behavior…. he will say cruel things about you, to you and to your children. If your ex baits you with manipulative tactics…don’t play!  IGNORE HIM. Now…I know this can be difficult…especially when these things are said or done to your children…..sometimes your children will tell you and sometimes they won’t...you will need to  be perceptive to their actions or habits...is something out of the norm? 

IF, they choose to confide in you…this is your chance to neutralize. HOWEVER…it’s very important to remember to NOT to bad mouth your ex while doing this.    How?  Just simply explain, that it doesn’t matter what is being said, it does not hurt you.   Do not get into "right" and "wrong" of it.  You can bet the ex is saying your "wrong" and this will only confuse your kids....who are they to believe?  If it hurts them, let them express why and then let them talk about it.  Communication with your children is KEY. Your ex is not the only bully on the block. You children will come across others in their life that will have this type of toxic personality, so use this as a learning platform and let them see it for what it is. Use your instinct as a mother…. you will know what to do…you know your children. You will also know if it is severe enough to seek professional help in order to protect them. Trust your instinct.

Do Not Engage – Responding vs. Reacting: Toxic people get their way by forcing people to react. They trigger anger or guilt to manipulate your emotions and reactions. Try and remember…this is THEIR issue not yours. A wise woman once told me…”If someone attempts to give you something, but you refuse it….who’s is it?” The same principal applies here. Keep your emotions at a distance and pause before responding.

The first thing I wanted to do when I received that vicious email regarding child support was to react with the anger that was triggered by it. But I did not. I read it…got up and took a walk. When I returned…I responded to the email without emotion, using pure fact and reason. Now remember, they are toxic…so they will not respond back with reason. Indeed, my ex’s second email was even nastier than the first…and this time I merely deleted it. No responses were required of me and I had decided not to engage in what I considered to be purely emotional warfare. In a nutshell, I fight the fights that are significant and respond accordingly…if it is essential for my child’s well being….court or not.  And I must say...I believe this worked...I have yet to be served with any court papers, as was threatened throughout the entire email.

Do Not “Vent” to Your Children: Having to deal with my ex leaves me emotionally drained and irritable. But…the worst thing you can do is to discuss these emotions with your children or show them your irritability. You must find other ways to cope with these emotions (see my last post on emotions). Remember, your children love you equally or at least should be allowed to love you equally. Do not force sides…. they will form on their own soon enough…trust me on this.

Be the Stable Parent – Let Your Kids be Kids: Ok…this is the part I can’t stress enough. Children need a stable, loving household and I am a firm believer that this can be done in spite of divorce. Again, I say that you cannot control your ex’s household, so don’t sweat the small stuff. You cannot control bedtime, homework, meals or any other every day circumstance when your children are not with YOU. You have to allow your ex to be a parent…bad one or not. Control your home, make your home stable. Your children will respond to this and come to appreciate it….and remember, it takes time and alot of “turning a blind eye” to the shenanigans of your ex. Have faith and trust a little….do not allow your ex to turn you into an emotional wreck. Your children are watching you.  And remember...they are also watching him.  Children are easily influenced by watching others actions (just ask the media) ...like I said earlier...let them see for themselves.  Be the stable force that keeps them grounded...because divorce is a whirlwind for them too.

How do you co-parent with a toxic ex? That is the million dollar question, to which I still have not found an ideal answer. Even divorced, my ex’s behavior has not changed. But….11 maddening years later, I have learned to identify these toxic behaviors as they occur and  I have stopped reacting to them. Now I simply choose whether or not to respond to them. Because of this I have been able to reduce the pointless drama that causes emotional harm to my child and for the moment my life seems to be at peace. Well….at least as peaceful as it can be for a mother of a teenager!  But that my friends is a whole other blog!

The Emotional Side of Divorce

In my last post, I spoke in great detail about the legal side of divorce and what to expect.  But this time, I want to talk about the emotional side.  This is because in my experience, this is the most difficult part to work through and the part that so often gets swept under the rug during the divorce whirlwind. 

When you begin the initial phase of divorce there is a lot happening all at once.  As I had mentioned before, you’re still responsible for all the things you were as a wife and mother prior to the separation…you take the kids to school, pack lunches, do laundry, fix dinner, clean bathrooms……the list of responsibilities are endless.  In addition to these daily jobs, you are  also working full time, and in and out of court regarding the legalities of your divorce.  But what about what you are feeling while all this is happening?  What do you do with your feelings? 

There are countless emotions that come with divorce: anger, loneliness and fear, are the ones that immediately come to mind.  We mourn our marriage and feel like a failure, we lose our identity and …let’s face it…. “good” memories are still there taunting us and making us wonder …why did this happen, why can’t I fix this?  We experience financial hardship, a change in lifestyle, lose friends and even the families “take sides”. 

Regrettably, the emotional side of divorce does not end with a signature on a piece of paper.  Chances are you will be coping with these feelings months, even years after you have been legally divorced, and these emotions will be triggered over and over again…..especially if you are raising children together. I have learned (the hard way) that if you do not acknowledge and cope with these emotions, you will be unable to move forward……your life can become unmanageable and out of control.

ACKNOWLEDGING AND COPING

ANGER

I was furious!  How dare he treat me like a possession!  How dare he get drunk and violent!  How dare he treat our son like this!  How dare he act as if this is my fault! He was the one who threw me out!  I do not understand why he responds with anger and violence every time we speak?  I think his mouth got even nastier after we divorced, if that is possible.  Cheat on him?  He is the one with the live-in girlfriend! I had loved this man and gave him everything I had. He is such a “know-it-all”, always saying it’s my fault, blah blah blah….and my family…?  Oh how he loves to talk about them….what did I see in this man? How did I not see this?

No matter what the circumstances surrounding your divorce, almost all of us will experience some type of anger. To think that you will get through your divorce without experiencing anger is being unrealistic.  But, it is how you cope with your anger that will make all the difference.

As I had said in my first post regarding my “D” day……..divorce was not something our family had ever experienced.  No one could really understand the anger that I was feeling or the deep loss that I felt when I wasn’t angry.  With the chore of finding a job, a new place to live, raising a child and all of the legal matters resulting from my divorce….my anger just kept getting buried.  Later on…I would find out just how bad this was….because anger does not stay buried long… it leads to severe depression, codependency, substance abuse, and in some cases even suicide.  Pretty soon…I was angry at the world!  I yelled at my son, my parents, my brother, my friends….and yes, even co-workers.  I LIKED NO ONE.  I TRUSTED NO ONE.

Tips for Coping with Your Anger…..

  
Release It.  For me, showing my anger was something I didn’t know how to do.  During my marriage I had learned that if I showed anger it resulted in a smack, a shove or the “silent treatment”. He was the one with control.  I was told my anger wasn’t justified and I was intimidated into backing down.   Why was I to believe that being angry at him now was ok?   I had to learn how to show my emotions without fear of retaliation and the problem was that I had a lot of pent up anger.  By the time it came out, it was not directed at the person who created it, but rather those that didn’t deserve it at all.  

You must find a healthy place to let it out.  You have a right to be angry and it does not need justifying.  A journal, a pillow(I had destroyed several) , a punching bag, painting, cleaning, etc.  Singing was (and still is) a place I love to release my anger.  Music speaks to me and I always seem to find that one song that says it all.  Trust me….there are plenty of “angry" songs out there to help with this.   

Exercise Regularly.  It is a known fact that exercise releases endorphins and relieves stress.  Anger is stressful and there is a reason they tell you to “walk it off”.   Mediation, yoga, kickboxing, weightlifting, biking….whatever floats your boat….but get moving!  If you can afford it, join your local gym.  If you cannot afford a gym membership, there are plenty of community centers offering free or inexpensive classes.  Check the local YMCA.   You will be amazed at how good you feel and how much clearer you can think after exercising.

LONELINESS

This is a dangerous emotion if left unacknowledged.  It can lead to a life of insecurity, self-hatred and depression the results of which can be devastating.  You keep busy during the day….. work, kids, chores, court…..but what about you? I was surrounded by my family.  In fact so much…that there were times I looked for a quiet space to call my own.  But I still felt ALONE.  My life had changed.  I didn’t know who I was or what I wanted (since the original “plan” didn’t work out).  I constantly wondered, well if he didn’t love me…would anyone?   Is there something wrong with me?

Tips for Coping with Your Loneliness…..

Get a Pet   I know this sounds ridiculous, but it can be very therapeutic to be able to love something and have it love you back unconditionally.   I am a cat lover, so this was the pet of my choice.  At the end of a long, emotional, heart wrenching day…I could come home, cuddle my cat and cry if I needed to.  No judgment, no expectations…just love.

Find a Hobby.   You may not be able to have pets in your new place or maybe you are not an animal person…. so finding a hobby may be the better choice for you.  What do you like to do?  Sing?  Dance?  Write?  Crafts?  Sports?  Find something that you like and when you are having those pangs of loneliness, pour your energy into that.  Over time, the loneliness will fade and you will find others that share the same enthusiasm for your hobby.  In other words, start to detach yourself from your previous life.  It is no more.  Rebuild a new one.

Get Out & Get Going!   Now this may be a tough one, due to financial struggles or time restraints, but you must make time for yourself.  This is very important!  Try and think back to all the things you did prior to marriage.  Think about the things that you did while married that you liked.  Places you went, activities you enjoyed.  Think about what you are happy doing.  Again, I am a big theater person and I enjoy singing.  So on the days that I was not busy with other responsibilities, I went to Karaoke.  That helped me do two things:  cope with my anger and loneliness, and I made new friends who also liked to sing.  Pretty soon, this became a regular hobby for me.  I also like to bowl. I met many friends through bowling that I still have today.  Look for activities at your local community center….again…many are free or very inexpensive. 

FEAR

I think this emotion is, by far, the worst one because it can be crippling.  Fear can paralyze us and keep us from moving forward in our life.  It is worse if you come from a marriage which was physically or emotionally abusive.  Abusers must control and to do that they break you down, until you are a big pile of insecurities.  So many fears come with divorce:  will I be financially secure?, fear of the unknown, fear of being alone, fear of intimacy or commitment….these are just a few I can think of off the top of my head.  Unfortunately, there is no quick cure for fear… it must be coped with on an individual level and takes time. 

My biggest fears are being alone and of commitment.  The fear of being alone actually stemmed from my childhood (though I am not sure why) and was aggravated by my abusive marriage, followed by divorce. I am sure that the fear of commitment came out of the divorce.  Anyway…. About a year after my divorce, I met a wonderful man.  He was good to me, good to my son.... and my friends and family loved him.  A couple of years later, he asked me to marry him.  Now THAT freaked me out.  Long story short…we did not get married and slowly I started to self-destruct and second guess every decision I had made.  This in turn, started to destroy a good relationship.  But I couldn’t see it.  I was paralyzed with fear, I didn’t want to be alone…but I didn’t want to commit…commitment had only brought me heartache in the past.  It wasn’t until the death of my Mom and a therapist who said “you two don’t have any couple issues, just self-destructive ones” that I got it.  

Tips for Coping with Fear…..

Identify It.   Sometimes fear has a way of camouflaging itself.  For instance….do you know anyone who is always in a relationship even though it isn’t good for them?  Someone who went from divorced to living with someone before the ink was dry on the papers?  Maybe this is due to the fear of being alone.  What about someone who after years of divorce has never had a long term relationship?  The person who is in a long term relationship but has never remarried?  This may be due to fear of intimacy or commitment.  What about the person who dates only men in a particular salary range….financial security?  The person who will not take any risks or try anything new, sticks to only what they know…..maybe fear of the unknown.  Whatever the fear, the sooner you identify it, the sooner you can conquer it.  Knowledge is power and will set you free.

Face It.   Once you have identified your fear, you must face and conquer it.  This is the difficult part.  In other words, if you fear being alone….then be alone for awhile.  If you’re afraid of intimacy, try to open up more to your partner, or as in my case…make that commitment to that good guy.  If its financial disaster you are afraid of …..make a budget and stick to it.  You will feel better when you start to realize that you can take care of yourself.  If you fear the unknown or fear rejection, keep putting yourself out there.  Rejection can be hard to take, but often times it has more to do with the other person’s personal preferences not your "flaws", so try not to take it personally.

MOVING FORWARD

REGAIN CONTROL & GET ORGANIZED

At this time in your life, you are probably feeling overwhelmed with chaos from the divorce and adjustments to new schedules.  Take a deep breath and remember that it takes time.  You need to regain control of your life.  You will need to look at the past to learn from mistakes (and we all make them), but also look to your future.  Remember not to look too far back or too far forward.  Try your best to live in the present. 

Then…get organized!  One of the things that ended up helping me the most was a calendar.  Since I am a visual person, seeing my life only a week or a month at a time was helpful.   I put paydays on it, bills due, sporting events, social events, my school schedule, my son’s schedule…etc etc., etc. I also keep a master shopping list of items I purchase regularly.  This makes it easy when I am tired, but have to go to the store anyway…I am less forgetful.   No matter how busy things get, I feel like I have at least some control because I have learned how to manage my time.  To this day, I still live my life by my calendar.  Find what works for you. 

FOCUS ON POSITIVE GOALS

Another thing that helped me to move forward was to focus on positive goals for myself.  I started small and worked to the larger ones.  The first one for me was obviously a permanent job.  I then moved on to a place of my own and eventually worked on my education.  Each time I reached a goal, I felt stronger and more independent.  I still set small goals for myself…..and again, because I am visual…I put them where I can see them, be reminded of them…and when I meet them, I feel terrific!   

SET PERSONAL BOUNDARIES

Now this is important.  The biggest lesson I have learned in all of this is to set personal boundaries.  You cannot be everything to everyone.  You will want to vent to friends or family about current situations, ask for advice and ask for their help.  But remember….they cannot fix it for you and they may not agree with you.  You must love yourself.  Trust yourself and your ability to make the right decisions, for you.  Be true to yourself and who you are.  Communicate directly and honestly (no matter how hard it is) with your family, your friends, your co-workers….even your children will appreciate this.  Build new healthy relationships and re-examine the current ones.  Maybe they are not good for you?  Do not be afraid to let go.  There are several self-help books on this subject to aid you in setting personal boundaries.  Do it now......undoing it later is worse.

                                                                       

TAKE CARE YOURSELF

This is the most important part of it all.  You must take care of yourself.  So many women fall into this trap after divorce.  They focus on everything but themselves and the results can be devastating.  Here are some things I do to take care of me.

Do Not Build Bad Habits.  Now, I am not going to lecture you.  I am not going to tell you not to go out and party.  I am not your parent, so I will not tell you not to smoke and if you are using drugs to mask the pain… I am not qualified to help you with your addiction.  But I will say this…..and this is my experience speaking…….We all know this….drinking, smoking, drugs….equals no good.  Everything you are “running from” is still there when you are sober.  As I mentioned above, cope with these emotions in a healthy way.  Like I tell my son, build good habits. 

Practice Moderation.  If you do like to party occasionally and let off some steam…do it….but not every day.  The extreme of either side…whether good habit or bad habit….is unhealthy.  Do not turn into the gym rat or the couch potato or the party girl.  Find your balance.  A happy life is about balance. 

Good Hygiene and Diet.   I don’t know about you, but when I look good, I feel good.  Remember, you are worth it.  So go ahead and splurge on yourself sometimes and do it without guilt!  Get a nice haircut or color.  Get your nails done.  Buy a new outfit now and then.  Work out and keep your weight under control.  These things will make you feel good.  Feeling good leads to self-confidence.

Build a Support System.  Reliable friends, a support group, self-help books, blogs, websites, etc.  You can’t be strong all the time.  Leaning on these systems from time to time helps.

Reward Yourself.  I did this when I reached one of my goals.  A new outfit, something new for my house, new makeup or a night out with the girls.  You deserve it and it keeps you motivated. 

Acknowledging your emotions and coping with them in order to move forward is very important when rebuilding your life.  And that’s exactly what you are doing, rebuilding.  Your old life has been burnt to the ground and you have been left with ashes.  You need to regain control of your life and get organized, focus on positive goals, set personal boundaries and most of all …take care of yourself. 

Finally, you need to realize there is nothing wrong with you.  Relationships fail for many different reasons.  Relationships are partnerships….it takes two to make it successful and (like this or not) two for it to fail….no matter where the percentage of responsibility falls.  So, forgive yourself and move forward.  Do not live in the past, asking …”what if”?  

There are websites, self-help books, and support groups out there to help, but in my experience we rarely seek out the help we need.  At least I didn’t, until it was almost too late.  Women are born to be caretakers....but we need to care for ourselves too.    As I look back .... and I realize how far emotionally I have come… i realize it might have been a little easier for me now, had I acknowledged and coped with my emotions in the beginning.  I hope these tips are helpful to you in your journey, as you take hold of your future as a butterfly and give up your life as the caterpillar.

Ground Zero....The Divorce Process

I would love to be able to tell you that getting divorced will be a simple process, but this just isn’t true. Where you are standing now is ground zero of your divorce. That decision has been made and the only decisions that matter now revolve around when do you see your kids … who keeps the house … who pays for what….etc., etc., etc. Ground zero is also where there is the most chaos. What chaos you ask? Well it’s like this…. you’re still responsible for all the things you were as a wife and mother prior to the separation…you take the kids to school, pack lunches, do laundry, fix dinner, clean bathrooms……the list of responsibilities are endless. But now in addition to having to perform many of these everyday jobs, you may have to secure another place to live and/or full-time employment. In a nutshell, you must now fulfill both roles of the caretaker AND the provider.

Found another place to stay for a bit…….but it is hard….he will not help me financially at all! He is so angry ….only threatens to take my son when I ask for help…... Is he going to be able to take away my son…just because he makes more money than me? We have been sleeping on the floor at my friend’s house. My friends were kind enough to let us stay when they didn’t have the room….but it’s cold… we need a room with a bed…he won’t let me have any furniture I can only take what I “brought”….But it’s so expensive…I can’t afford my own apartment…my credit is bad…I haven’t had job long enough to qualify for anything without a co-signer….what do I do? I found a way to make some extra cash….but that means leaving my son with a sitter at night, which costs money too….. …I can’t win….what do I do? I don’t want to go back…and I will not give up my son!! I can’t think straight anymore…If I could just catch a break…..

PREPARE TO BE TESTED..…..

The legal process for divorce can be unpredictable in the length of time it takes to complete. It seems like things are constantly being postponed. You will need to become an expert in patience and become skilled in separating your emotions from fact. In my experience, the more focused you stay on your goals and the less you focus on your predicament…the easier it will be to get through this initial period – and we must ALL get through it. Emotions have no place in court, so a safe haven and a strong support system will become crucial when having to endure the intense emotions guaranteed to come your way during your divorce.

March 1998….I finally called my Mom and told her of my situation….it is good to be home. I feel safe here. My son is happier and he doesn’t cry at night anymore…I don’t have to pay rent or worry about the cost of food right now. That helps and I have been able to stop dancing at night. Mom has been able to locate an attorney to help me. But wow….$2500 retainer! Mom said I could pay her back…..I am thankful she is able to help, but so ashamed. I am blessed that I have secretarial skills…something my mom had always “insisted” on...I am getting some decent temp jobs and I am hoping that one will turn out to be permanent. We have been in and out of court several times now…why does this take so long??…...I should start to see some support soon…then I can start paying my Mom back….

PREPARING FOR COURT……

In family law the court will address issues such as property division, alimony, child support and the custody/visitation of children. In other words, they will answer all those questions swirling around in your head about who is responsible for what now that your homes are divided. This process will begin when one of you files for divorce and serves the other party with a date to appear in court. Depending on the court calendar, this date may take place immediately or maybe not for a few months. Regardless, now is the time to decide on how to proceed legally.

In my experience, if you have property to divide and children from your marriage, you will be better off with an attorney. There are many forms to complete and legal procedures to follow throughout this process. A good Family Law attorney who is knowledgeable in this area, will be a great asset. However whether or not you decide to obtain an attorney, I strongly advise that you familiarize yourself with the family law in your state. Attorneys and the courts will use several terms that can be confusing and sometimes intimidating. Do not be afraid to ask your attorney questions. You and your attorney are a team. From my experience, familiarity of this process will benefit you and leads to peace of mind later on. There are numerous websites out there that have plenty of information that can be helpful to you. I’ll do my best to provide links to those that I feel are the most helpful.

PROPERTY DIVISION….BE PREPARED

….met with the attorney AGAIN…every time we have to go back to court or file another paper, it costs more money and time….the car and house were in his name only, ….lucky for me California law says that its community property anyway…..but there is no equity in the house…..what now? What about the bills? I can’t afford this car on my own…. …what does this mean? Do I have to buy all new furniture…When I move out of Mom’s…..I will need a fridge…a bed…..what about my son’s bed… Uggggh….!!!

In order to divide marital property, the court is going to require a great deal of information from you. So in my experience, the best thing to do at this time is to make a list of all the assets and/or debts you had both prior to and during your marriage. It should also include their values, even if it’s only sentimental. Assets are things such as bank accounts, investment accounts, property, furniture, vehicles, pictures, decorations, etc. Debts should include such things as car loans, mortgages, credit cards, student loans and so on.

Another great tip is to categorize your list and establish exactly what you’re willing to part with and exactly what you desire to keep…also what debts you can or cannot afford. Countless couples end up fighting over who gets the last word rather than the actual value of the object in question, so this will be helpful to you (and your attorney if you have one) as you start to determine how you to proceed in property division negotiations. It will also save you valuable court and/or mediation time later on……which can be time consuming and expensive. I don’t know about you, but I certainly didn’t like having to take time off work (without pay) to go to court over every little thing that we couldn’t agree on. I most certainly had better ways I wanted to spend my time away from the office….not to mention the fact that my boss wasn’t too enthusiastic about it. Coming to court prepared is the best way to resolve things quickly and least expensively.

ALIMONY & CHILD SUPPORT…DEFINED

Money…..now this is where it’s going to get interesting. We all know that money is the number one thing that couples fight over …and trust me…..during divorce it is no different. Why should I give her money? I am not married to her anymore. She has a job or should get one. I don’t need to pay her for the kids…I can provide what they need…. all she needs to do is ask for it. It’s not fair that I have to pay this much….I will take the kids then…blah blah blah. These are arguments we commonly hear from friends who are divorced and my situation was (and still is 13 years later) no different.

In Family Law you usually find two types of monetary support: Alimony and Child Support. Both types of support have formulas that the court uses to determine the amount awarded. As with the property division I mentioned above, this is probably a good time to make list of your current expenses now that you are separated (rent, daycare, clothes, food, education, medical expenses, utilities, sports, etc) and your earnings or earning potential. Since the laws that govern this support vary from state to state, for more specific answers to your questions about alimony and/or child support, you should contact an attorney in your area .

Alimony is court ordered support paid to the other spouse after divorce. It is similar to child support, but has different tax provisions and is usually paid for a shorter period of time than child support. Many states will pay half of the time you were married. However, this is all determined by the court. A number of things are taken into accountability when determining the amount and/or length of time for an alimony award: how long you were married, the previous and current earnings of each spouse and the current expenses of each spouse. Sometimes the courts even take into consideration the education level of each spouse and the ability to obtain work based on this or prior work experience.

Child support is exactly what it says it is; the monetary award given by the court for the care or support of the minor children. Again, many things are taken into consideration when determining the amount awarded for child support. As with the alimony, the salary of each spouse is explored, as well as the ages of the children, the amount of time the children spends in each home, daycare expenses and any other miscellaneous expenses that may deemed necessary for the care of the minor children. The time period for this support is usually longer and will run until the minor children are of legal age (18). But as I stated before, this will vary from state to state, so if you have specific questions on child support, you should contact an attorney in your area.

As I stated in my previous post...this is the time to formulate a new financial plan, independent of your former spouse. Whether or not your ready to accept it...soon your former spouse will no longer be responsible for helping your financially.

1998……. California law states that I am permitted to receive alimony for two years or half the time I was married. I will also get child support until my son is 18. This is good news….and the alimony will be in addition to the child support….now I can start paying back my mom…..But I need to see….to move out on my own will bring more expenses….there will be rent, groceries, utilities, a car payment, insurance…..wow...still need to find a way to make more money ….Guess I will look into going back to school….that will take longer than two years…but it’s a start...

CUSTODY AND VISITATION…..

Custody Broken Down...

In family law, there are two kinds of custody: legal and physical. Legal custody awards the parents the right to make decisions on things such as where the children go to school, which church the children attend and which doctors they see. Physical custody is the right to determine day to day care and responsibilities such as what they eat, when they go to bed, what they watch on TV etc. In most cases, joint legal and physical custody is awarded and the parents are encouraged to “co-parent” their children. In other words - work together on these decisions with the interest of the children being first and foremost.

The court also determines a custodial (day to day care) parent and a non-custodial parent (visitation) based on the percentages of custody awarded. In most cases, the non-custodial parent is the one paying the child support.

What Does This Mean.....

In my experience, custody of the minor children one of the most contested parts of any divorce. Let’s face it….when you were married everyone was together on the holidays and summers were spent vacationing together. But, all this is about to change. Now, the court will determine when and with whom your children spend their holidays, birthdays, summers etc. The court will also determine the percentage of time the children will spend in each household, based on the legal and physical custody I mentioned above.

Another component added to this, is the fact that amount of child support awarded is often times directly related to the amount of time a child spends in each household. Because of this you may find that your ex is suddenly demanding to spend more time with the kids. Why you ask? Well it usually happens right after he has retained his attorney and is advised about establishing a standard amount of time that he spends with them. It is here that he may (or may not…if your lucky) realize time can equal money. But try to remember that he is the other parent and ought to have the opportunity to continue his relationship with his kids. Try not to get into a battle over it and remember the kids love you both equally. Earlier I talked about emotion having no place in court. I said this, for this reason. So many times, children are caught in the middle of a custody battle that really has nothing to do with the children's best interest. It is simply another squabble between the parents, which the children ultimately pay for. The court will do its best to set guidelines and orders for your divided family, but both of you still have to parent them together, whether or not you are.

…custody and visitation are set. We will have joint legal and physical custody. My son will see his dad three days during the week (since he works weekends), but be with me primarily. This will cause my son to miss some school, but this is what was ordered by the court…..and I think it is important that he still spend quality time with his dad….no matter how mean he was, it is his DAD. He is only in kindergarten and for now, it is not hurting him to be out of school three days a week. This will be an adjustment…It’s going to be really quiet during the week …..But soon we will be out of my mom’s and in our own place….things will quiet down and we will settle into a routine….

YOUR DIVORCE IS “FINAL”…..BUT IS IT REALLY OVER?

So you made it through ground zero in your divorce. You’ve been to court, sorted out your possessions and debts, agreed on custody and visitation and have even been awarded some support. Your divorce is final, but is it over? Regrettably, the answer is no. It will now become a way of life and you will need to adjust to it. You may not always be married but you will ALWAYS be divorced. I could say that divorce is not “drama”. But we all know better. Soon you will realize...just how much is involved in being divorced. Try not to let this overwhelm you. Divorce does NOT need to define you.

Unfortunately for me, I was absolutely unprepared for being divorced and the journey I was about to embark on. But you can be prepared. Remember to familiarize yourself with family law and the terms used throughout the family court system. At ground zero, make lists of all your assets, personal possessions, debts and items that have sentimental value. You will now share the holidays, summer vacations, birthdays, etc. And….this is where the games begin. Who’s picking up the kids from practice this week?….who will take them to doctor…they have a game on the visitation weekend…etc., etc., etc. But remember you can only manage your household. When it comes to your children, try not to let emotions overcome and rule you, or suck you into useless battles with your ex. Fight the fights that need to be fought. Focus on the time you spend with your children and make the most of it. Focus on rebuilding your life instead of worrying about how your ex is living his. As I look back now, I realize that having this information in the beginning would have been very helpful and saved me thousands of dollars and hours of precious time.

Fall 1999….Things having been going well since the divorce…as well as can be expected anyway….But now I have another problem….my son is going to start 1st grade. The teacher indicated that he will have trouble scholastically if we continue to pull him out of school in the middle of the week….I will have to talk to my ex-husband about rescheduling the visitation. I am sure he will understand, he is our son after all….and it will be what’s best for him. Maybe we won’t have to go back to court for this….that gets so expensive.....

I can’t believe it! Not only did my ex-husband not agree to be flexible with visitation, he threatened to take my son away again! Something about the fact that he is the primary care giver.....what!??? Oh no...Here we go….back to court again…..

Left With Ashes....Surveying the Damage

For some women the first reaction to D day is to seek legal counsel immediately. Now, I am not saying that this shouldn't be done; however, any rebuilding process requires a solid foundation and the first thing to do is to take inventory of what you have. Do you have a reliable place to live, a means by which to support yourself and your children, and any family members or friends to lean on at this time? From my experience these three things will be key in securing your foundation and moving forward in the divorce process.

OCTOBER 1997......

wow....literally thrown out of my house with a 3 year old child. Now what was I gonna do? Well first thing was first....I had to pick myself up and call someone.... I was going to need some help. Lucky for me, I had a neighbor who was willing come get me. After a couple of phones calls (and a trip to the doctor to tape my ribs) I was able to find a place for my son and I to stay for a bit. However, this definitely was not a permanent solution.....

In many cases, it is the man who walks out leaving the devastation behind him and for the moment, the woman feels secure because she has the house. However, if she can not afford to make the house payments, that security will be short-lived. Even if you have an attorney on speed dial, it can easily take six months before you see the inside of a court room and secure any form of financial support. This is the time to formulate a new financial plan, independent of your former spouse. I say this, because even though you may end up with spousal (which is temporary) and/or child support...this should not be the only income that you have. Whether or not you are ready to accept it....your former spouse (in time) will no longer be responsible for you financially.

In my situation...I did not stay in the house and as I mentioned in my previous post..... I was an uneducated woman with a very limited skill set. The most I could earn at the time was $10.00 an hour and that was not going provide me the means to support myself and a three year old child. So, I bounced around from friends house to friends house while trying to save enough money to afford a place of my own. It also required me to do things that to this day that I am still not proud of. Eventually, the whole thing became overwhelming....not to mention I was quickly wearing out my welcome. So feeling defeated and ashamed, I picked up the phone and called my Mom......

I know that many women may have given up their education and/or careers to focus on family. Because of this, you may be in a position where you will need some help at the beginning. As I mentioned before, it could take several months before you see any form of financial support from former spouse.... if you ever do. This is where family and/or friends can provide a great support system. But beware: this is also where the emotions of shame and defeat can control you if you let it. Do not be afraid or ashamed to ask for help and do not get discouraged. This process takes time.

It was almost six months to the day that I had been thrown out, before I had the courage to call my Mom for help. Once I called her, she immediately and without question, made room for my son and I. In fact, she was upset with me because I didn't call her the second it happened. She helped me find work, cared for my son after school when I was working, and when I was ready she helped me search for a new place to call home..... However, this did not happen overnight. It took another 6 to 8 months for me to accomplish this....and I know now that this process might not of been so difficult if I had asked for help in the first place..or knew to ask....

REACH OUT......YOU ARE NOT ALONE

As I said before, I was lucky. I had friends and family willing to help me when I needed it most. The biggest obstacle for me at that stage of the rebuilding process, was battling the many emotions that were hindering my ability to build a firm foundation. Emotions like shame, defeat and fear. They seemed to get in my way constantly. No one in my family had been through divorce......no one could help me understand what I was feeling and no one was able to tell me where to seek help. As I write about my experiences now, I am hoping that my message reaches you. That regardless of your situation....regardless of what you are feeling....that you reach out....reach out to people that can help you. Even if you don't have family (or friends you trust) in your area, there are organizations designed to help you and I have listed a few of them on this blog.

As you walk through the ash and begin picking up the pieces of what was once your life, you may look behind you and see only a single set of footprints....but just as you will not be the last...know that you are not the first. Many have come before you.... and with some conviction on your part combined with their experiences (and hopefully mine) you will find the help you need during this process. No matter how closed off you may feel from your former life, even the caterpillar one day breaks free of its cocoon to become the butterfly.