Though I Walk Through the Valley of the Shadow of Death....

October 22, 2007..... live version of House I never want to experience again.  I can still see her...lying there....squeezin my hand one last time....hear her last dying breath..the nurse checking for any signs of life....time stood still....people comin and goin.......my brother's angry look....my dad's disbelief.....

 

My mom was my best friend...she was my everything. ..I miss her so very very much.  The outside shows a strong woman...but inside...inside she is broken.  A little girl lost.  Her entire world changed in a second...and there was absolutely nothing she could do.  A family torn apart by death....the glue that held us together....gone. 

 

Life goes on... been three years....everyone is movin on....Dad is remarrying...but wait...wait for me....I am still here, lost.....life will never be the same....but I don't like change.... I wasn't done....I have so many more things I need to talk to her about..... I am scared....I am alone....I swear the trees whispered...."shhhhh you're ok...you can do this..."  Not trees...a swarm of butterflies....in the winter?  I am not alone....she is here among the butterflies....I guess its time...time for me to get up and move forward with the rest....

I Did Not Escape Undamaged - My Road to Recovery

I originally started this blog as a way to reach out to women experiencing divorce and/or custody battles with their exes. So many times, I was asked..how did you do it? How come you seem so together? Does it get easier? Will I ever feel better?... and so on and so on....I see my friends in tears over their children, in tears because of loneliness and despair...desperately holding on to the past because they are afraid of their future. So I thought... I will share my story...share my life and let them know what I went through.. attempt to give them hope. But now I know....I want to save them... .because I need to save myself. I did not escape this unharmed. I am not as together as they think. I am codependent. But there is hope and recovery. The future blogs will be about my current life as I move forward out of the grip of my past...and into my life.

 God, grant me the Serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
Courage to change the things I can;
and Wisdom to know the difference

Greaaaaaaaaat....so I am codependent.  Codependency is the inability to care for yourself.   A codependent is a person who is unfulfilled.....constantly in relationships, is indirect at times, unassertive when they need to be... a codependent can exhibit  controlling behavior, distrust, perfectionism, intimacy issues and is a caretaker of others.... putting all others needs ahead of their own, regardless of the destruction it may cause.  Being codependent has lead me to make many many bad decisions throughout my lifetime. And I have decided.....  I QUIT.  Codependency that is.

Often when someone is recovering from an illness or an addiction, they look to their childhood (or the therapist does) to see where or when the damage to themselves began..  I am not really sure how I became codependent.  I thought I grew up in a normal run-of-the-mill, middle income household.  We weren't rich...but we always had clothes  food and money for sports, etc.  Mom worked part-time and was home with us the rest of the time. Neither of my parents drank and I wasn't abused.  I had a GREAT childhood and have tons of terrific memories of my family.  Even my high school years were great.  I had lots of friends, was involved in a lot of activities...including cheerleading and dance....and I even graduated in the top of the class.  You could say that I had the Cinderella childhood.... So I looked to what happened after childhood., when I became responsible for my own life...is that when I became unable to care for myself...or did it really happen in spite of such a great upbringing?  If it did...can I keep this from happening to MY child?  

I am relentlessly telling my 16 year old to make the "right" choices.  That life is about choices and consequences.  I tell him.....if you choose not to do your homework....the consequence will be a lower grade......I tell him that sometimes..the consequences will have a domino effect....low grades can keep you from getting accepted to a college that you want to go to.    And I tell him...sometimes...you make a choice that you can't go back and change...like the wrong marriage or career...  You will have to continue forth on that path you have paved until you see another way.   So I asked myself....if I can tell him this.....why can I not do this for myself?   The answer (said the therapist) because I am codependent...

The feeling that a codependent gets from "helping" others or from "approval" of others is euphoric.  Codependency is its own drug and the withdrawal from this drug is having to live in constant fear. Fear of change, fear of failure, fear of abandonment. and too many insecurities to list    As a codependent, I am constantly trying to "control" my atmosphere...very rarely "letting go" without knowing the outcome....this is no good   So now...now I am on a journey to "let go" to let "what will be will be".....to LIVE my life and care for myself, as I have been unable to do in the past.  Buckle up!