CoParenting with a Toxic Ex

The other day, I was playing around on Facebook and came across a status that read…”Be careful who you have children with….” After I stopped laughing hysterically…it made me think about the absolute truth in that statement. Once you have children with someone, you are forever linked, divorced or not. So, as I sit here reading yet another venomous email from my ex regarding the “unfairness” of his child support…..it has become quite clear to me that divorce had not changed my ex’s behavior, I am just not married to him anymore. He is still the same person and he behaves in exactly the same toxic manner. It was also quite clear that I did not escape all the parenting issues we had when we were married.  In fact, being divorced has just made these issues worse. Recently so many of my friends have been back in court over matters regarding their children, that it prompted this post….how do you successfully live your own life and raise children with an ex who is extremely toxic? Is this even possible?  Does it ever end?

First Signs of Toxicity Appeared Early On…I Was Just Oblivious

Fall 1999….Things having been going well..…as well as can be expected anyway…..my son is graduating kindergarten and will start 1st grade in the fall. But…the teacher indicated that he will have trouble scholastically if we continue to pull him out of school in the middle of the week, so some changes need to be made to his schedule….I will have to talk to my ex about rearranging the visitation. We can figure something out so that he can still see him and he won’t have to be pulled out of school. I am sure he will understand…. it will be what’s best for our son.


I can’t believe it! Not only did my ex not agree to be flexible with visitation, he threatened to take my son away again! Apparently when the original paperwork was drafted and filed, it was incorrect… something about the fact that he is the primary care giver.....what!??? My son has lived with me this whole time, he goes to school here, has friends here….. I wish I knew what they were talking about….. Why would he do this? Really…? We need to argue about this? …. All we need to do is to agree on changing days….why is court necessary? Ugh! Oh no...Here we go….back to court again…..ridiculous!

BEWARE....TOXIC CHARACTERISTICS

Uses the Court System to Stay Engaged......

  

I am sure there are several of you very familiar with this toxic behavior and I am willing to bet it is the most common one among our ex’s. He defies court orders such as child support payments, visitation arrangements and schedules - forcing you back to court. He refuses to agree to anything and uses the “threat” of court constantly when he is not able to get his way. He attempts to manipulate and instill fear in you by saying “well, if not….we can just go back to court………” I get  emails like this at least every couple of months and we have been legally divorced for 11 years! In my experience, this is a person that doesn’t want a resolution. This person just wants to argue.

Places Blame on You....

This is a bizarre behavior and goes hand in hand with using the court system. They never accept responsibility for their own actions. It doesn’t matter what happens, you will be to blame. According to him, if his child support check bounces….this is your fault…because after all…you are the one making him pay child support right???…..it’s also your fault that he doesn’t make enough money to pay both child support AND his bills. He also reminds you that if he can’t take the children to their sports activities on visitation weekends, this is your fault too. Again placing blame on you…. saying you shouldn’t have signed them up for sports on his time! Oh…and let’s not forget…”If you don’t like it….we can just go back to court”!

Bad Mouthing – Hurting Their Children

“Your mom cheated on me.” “If you want to know why, ask your mom.” “Your mom signed you up for that…this is my weekend”….I have “plans” and can’t take you”. This is an atrocious, manipulating behavior that can be very damaging to your children. In fact, so much so that most courts have a clause in the paperwork that specifically orders the parents not to bad mouth each other in front of the minor children. But again, if you are dealing with a toxic ex…this is probably just another one of those defied orders.

My Tips for Co-Parenting with a Toxic Ex

I know…. I know…it is maddening dealing with a toxic ex! But you must realize…they will never change. Toxic people don’t play fair. They view others and the world as if they are owed something and feel entitled to things they don’t usually deserve. They bully and manipulate their victims until they trigger powerful emotional reactions, which interfere with clear thinking. As I said in my last post, so many times, children are caught in the middle of a custody battle that really has nothing to do with their best interest… and for a number of us, it doesn’t end when the divorce is final. In my experience, if you are co-parenting with an ex who is toxic, you will have your work cut out for you. But don’t fret….there are ways to neutralize this toxin and I have listed some tips that work for me. Remember…toxic people will NOT act reasonably…so get ready to adjust your expectations.

Be the Bigger Parent: Being the “bigger” parent and not engaging in mental and emotional warfare with your ex takes a lot out of you. Nothing is ever simple with them. I know from my experiences, that even simple things like holidays, birthday celebrations or school sports come with feelings of anxiety. With my ex, I am always waiting for the other shoe to drop. What email about child support will I get today? What kind of cruel thing will he say to our son today? What did we not do right today?

Since it takes two to fight..... just take one out of the equation. You can only control you….so control you.  If he is true to his toxic behavior…. he will say cruel things about you, to you and to your children. If your ex baits you with manipulative tactics…don’t play!  IGNORE HIM. Now…I know this can be difficult…especially when these things are said or done to your children…..sometimes your children will tell you and sometimes they won’t...you will need to  be perceptive to their actions or habits...is something out of the norm? 

IF, they choose to confide in you…this is your chance to neutralize. HOWEVER…it’s very important to remember to NOT to bad mouth your ex while doing this.    How?  Just simply explain, that it doesn’t matter what is being said, it does not hurt you.   Do not get into "right" and "wrong" of it.  You can bet the ex is saying your "wrong" and this will only confuse your kids....who are they to believe?  If it hurts them, let them express why and then let them talk about it.  Communication with your children is KEY. Your ex is not the only bully on the block. You children will come across others in their life that will have this type of toxic personality, so use this as a learning platform and let them see it for what it is. Use your instinct as a mother…. you will know what to do…you know your children. You will also know if it is severe enough to seek professional help in order to protect them. Trust your instinct.

Do Not Engage – Responding vs. Reacting: Toxic people get their way by forcing people to react. They trigger anger or guilt to manipulate your emotions and reactions. Try and remember…this is THEIR issue not yours. A wise woman once told me…”If someone attempts to give you something, but you refuse it….who’s is it?” The same principal applies here. Keep your emotions at a distance and pause before responding.

The first thing I wanted to do when I received that vicious email regarding child support was to react with the anger that was triggered by it. But I did not. I read it…got up and took a walk. When I returned…I responded to the email without emotion, using pure fact and reason. Now remember, they are toxic…so they will not respond back with reason. Indeed, my ex’s second email was even nastier than the first…and this time I merely deleted it. No responses were required of me and I had decided not to engage in what I considered to be purely emotional warfare. In a nutshell, I fight the fights that are significant and respond accordingly…if it is essential for my child’s well being….court or not.  And I must say...I believe this worked...I have yet to be served with any court papers, as was threatened throughout the entire email.

Do Not “Vent” to Your Children: Having to deal with my ex leaves me emotionally drained and irritable. But…the worst thing you can do is to discuss these emotions with your children or show them your irritability. You must find other ways to cope with these emotions (see my last post on emotions). Remember, your children love you equally or at least should be allowed to love you equally. Do not force sides…. they will form on their own soon enough…trust me on this.

Be the Stable Parent – Let Your Kids be Kids: Ok…this is the part I can’t stress enough. Children need a stable, loving household and I am a firm believer that this can be done in spite of divorce. Again, I say that you cannot control your ex’s household, so don’t sweat the small stuff. You cannot control bedtime, homework, meals or any other every day circumstance when your children are not with YOU. You have to allow your ex to be a parent…bad one or not. Control your home, make your home stable. Your children will respond to this and come to appreciate it….and remember, it takes time and alot of “turning a blind eye” to the shenanigans of your ex. Have faith and trust a little….do not allow your ex to turn you into an emotional wreck. Your children are watching you.  And remember...they are also watching him.  Children are easily influenced by watching others actions (just ask the media) ...like I said earlier...let them see for themselves.  Be the stable force that keeps them grounded...because divorce is a whirlwind for them too.

How do you co-parent with a toxic ex? That is the million dollar question, to which I still have not found an ideal answer. Even divorced, my ex’s behavior has not changed. But….11 maddening years later, I have learned to identify these toxic behaviors as they occur and  I have stopped reacting to them. Now I simply choose whether or not to respond to them. Because of this I have been able to reduce the pointless drama that causes emotional harm to my child and for the moment my life seems to be at peace. Well….at least as peaceful as it can be for a mother of a teenager!  But that my friends is a whole other blog!